Monday, February 23, 2009

Prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse

"Always be prepared."

- Boyscouts

You may dismiss it as the stuff of movies, but experts agree that a zombie apocalypse is a very real possibility.

Where would you go? Don't pretend like you haven't actually thought about this, I know I'm not the only one who has. Right now I'm leaning towards the laundry room, though that cat door is a potential issue. This room's got the garage as an escape route/fallback, though, and shelf space for canned goods. Plus, I could move the washer and dryer to barricade the door.

There's really no ideal location, they always get you in the end, but all you can do is your best, and hope your best is good enough. (It won't be, though.) There are many factors to take into consideration:

  • Know your foe. How attentive do you expect the zombies to be? Will they see you walk by a window, or only if you run right past them? If you pick a place that's too fortressy, you can find yourself cornered if those buggers are strong and smart enough to get in. A pub, on the other hand, works great, if they don't figure out you're in there and aren't smart enough to break the windows. And that's another thing. Don't stay somewhere just because it's familiar and you've got sentimental attachments to it. Try to be objective.

  • Group or solo? Do you want other people around for support, or is there danger in numbers? For example, hiding out in a mall is a GREAT idea, but not if you go with friends and one gets zombified and is JUUUUUST smart enough to remember where your hidden base entrance is.

  • Rural or urban? It might be a good idea to go "Red Dawn" and head off into the mountains. You don't see that setting in zombie film often, and it's because it doesn't lead to a lot of exciting zombie confrontation, which is exactly what you don't want if shit just got real. (Note: secluded farm house? NO, not a good idea historically, in either Night of the Living Dead or The Walking Dead graphic novels)

  • Onset of apocalypse. Where you go has a lot to do with how much time you've got to get there. If you're taken by surprise and have to hole up in your house, know the best section to do that in. If you have time to get to a mall, Wal-mart, or military bunker, definitely hit that shizznit for free supplies, but don't assume it's the best place to stay (see below).

  • Duration of apocalypse. Have you only got to hold out for 28 days? Till dawn? Till you're rescued? Which leads me to...

  • Potential for rescue. Don't bet on it, especially not from the military (see Return of the Living Dead, 28 Days Later, and Day of the Dead...and Monster Squad for that matter). Because rescue probably isn't coming, don't let it factor in TOO much on your choice of location.

  • Resources. Weapons, food, lots of boards and nails...generators, coffee, blankets, twinkies...unless you're Bear Grylls, you'll need this stuff, regardless of where you hide out. Carefully consider the pros and cons of holing up in such a location, though, because roving biker gangs are also looking for these resource gold mines.

"Whatchya gonna do when they come for you?"


There are books available about this stuff, and lots of source material to help you study what works and what doesn't work. I may check out The Zombie Survival Guide at some point, but I'm sort of an expert in this field, I have been studying zombie apocalypse since I was a teenager, and could probably WRITE such a book. However, I'm altruistic when it comes to humanity, and as long as you stay out of MY mall, Wal-mart, and military bunker, I'd rather just give you all this advice, free of charge.

Don't rely entirely on the movies, though. The military doesn't want you to know this stuff, and there's a coverup going on, the extent of which is unknown. As Freddy so eloquently noted in The Return of the Living Dead, "Didn't the movie LIE?!?!!"

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