Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I've got a bad feeling about this...

On a late-night web-crawling patrol tonight, I found evidence of something disturbing. It starts with a May 22 announcement about a $200 million 5-film deal for Crystal Sky Pictures. I decided to see how far the rabbit hole goes. Only it isn't a rabbit hole...

One of the films is based on Castlevania, another on Tekken. Both these are slated for 2009 release according to IMDB. Castlevania is in pre-production, tagged as a "writer's strike casualty." (glass half full!) Tekken, however, is in post-production.

The third is rumored to be Pac-man. I quickly scanned for any trace of Uwe Boll, no signs of him at least. Still, there's something worrisome here. I can't quite put my finger on it.

"Crystal Sky previously produced "Bratz," based on the toy franchise, with Lionsgate, and "Ghost Rider" with Columbia Pictures." Aaaah, that sounds about right. The fear that my daughter might ever want a Bratz doll keeps me up at night...though Ghost Rider effectively puts me to sleep, thus maintaining cosmic balance.

There's been no redily evident news since that day, but the fact that there is a Tekken and Castlevania synopsis on the official Crystal Sky Pictures site is a bad omen. I'm not so worried about Tekken, fighting flick formulae are well-established, and they'd have to try pretty hard to make it truly awful. Castlevania, though...that's treading on sacred ground. That could go horribly, horribly wrong. What if they use the wrong kind of mushroom (it MUST be shitake!), or stream the medusa heads in the wrong direction? Or worse, if the soundtrack is, say, TEN bit!?

There's no sign of the movie or a confirmed plot summary for Pac-man on the official site yet. That WILL go horribly wrong, the extent of which depends on how close this rumored plotline "leak" from Modern Gaming Hobbyist is to accurate:

"P’ak, a powerful warrior from a different reality, is banished to our version of Earth by a traitorous general bent on usurping the throne of P’ak’s world...."

That CAN'T be true. Can it? Dennis Hopper, you're our only hope.


Anonymous said...

Oh god, why do I just picture a Pac Man movie being a 2 hour long comedy about a fat guy smoking too much weed, eating as much as he can, and thinking ghosts are chasing him the whole time? And why does that sound like money?

Rabscuttle said...

Dude, if we're LUCKY!